Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships

And we are BACK!

Relationships, as we all know, can be really complicated. Some people like to think it’s cut throat black and white. Others seem to think it should be painless. But in reality, we know that to be untrue. People fall in love and it’s beautiful to see the magic blossom into this amazing fairytale love story.

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But the truth is, people fall out of love as well and it’s painful to watch, much less experience. In a bid to boycott the hurt, some choose to hold on to relationships even when it’s glaringly toxic. Sadly, it’s an existing reality in the dating market today. One we are constantly faced with every day.

Tobi is a successful HR consultant with an avalanche of corporate clients, the biggest names in the city. Deserving of every accolade she’s got in the industry, she remains unhappy about events in her personal life. Unlike her professional life, Tobi can’t seem to settle the interpersonal disputes in her own life.

Last month, she sustained a swelling on her left arm but played it off when her colleagues asked what led to it.

“It’s nothing. Just kitchen hazards. I’m fine…” She always said.

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A pattern her colleagues were used to but no one dared to ask any further questions because she’d get defensive. Today, she came to the office with a scratch on her face. A scratch the make up on her face further alluded to. She had a fight with Kelvin again this morning. He probably told her she was ugly, miserable and undesirable again. Yes, the abuse wasn’t just physical.

Kelvin wasn’t always crazy. Well, except when he drank. In Tobi’s words,

“He’s the sweetest of guys when he’s sober.”

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The two have been in a relationship for three years now, the abuse only started in the last year but somehow they always found their way back to each other. Kelvin, a business owner himself has accused Tobi of abuse in the past. In his words,

“She just couldn’t use her words. Her hands were always quicker.”

Kelvin claims one time, she got so mad she swung a wooden stool across his head. Her reason? She found some flirtatious messages on his phone from an ex. In his words,

“Once, she burnt down my whole wardrobe because she found a panty on my bed that wasn’t hers. Even though we were clearly on a break at the time.” He complained.

Tobi leaves the house after every fight but finds herself in his arms the next day. Make up sex, they called it.

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“I know this might sound crazy but the sex is always better when we fight. It’s hard to explain how I hate to love her so much.” Kelvin admitted.

“I know he’s not good for me but he’s the only one for me. I know he might be the death of me but I choose him every time. I don’t expect everyone to understand but I love him.” Tobi says.

Sounds like a tragic story of a psychotic in love with a narcissist right? Of course, you’d think we should dismiss the fatal trajectory of this toxic relationship. But question is, isn’t that what love is all about? Isn’t it supposed to wax stronger both in the good and bad times? Like the vows, in sickness and health?

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Tobi and Kelvin need our help on how to get to a healthy place in their relationship. How do they put a halt to this tumultuous love dynamic they’ve got going. We’re talking domestic violence and why people stay in toxic relationships. We want to understand why they think the way they do and find some middle ground.

You’re welcome to The Spectrum. This is Danny world.